I know what you’re thinking: that is a big, broad topic right there! Yes, it is. But I didn’t know how to title the topic of today’s musings any more succinctly. So, bare with me for a moment and come along for the ride. You’ll understand what I’m talking about when we get there.
I work with a variety of people and a variety of issues. Despite that, there are many things that are shared in common across this great variability. One such thing is the idea of how life lessons should be taught; how character should be built; how motivation should be gained. The old idea that most people seem to hang on to and defend is that life lessons should be taught “the hard way.” Some people even still believe that corporal punishment should be an item in the proverbial parental toolbox, but my intention here is not to debate that.
Now, let me be clear: I’m not talking about lived experiences. Experiential learning is a very important and effective method of learning, liking finding out the stove is hot because you touch it, or riding a bike because you practiced. The difference between experiential learning and learning “the hard way” is that there is a problematic emotional overtone that comes with learning the hard way that causes more problems than it helps.
I’ve had parents say things like: “While I wouldn’t hit my kids, I understand why it’s effective! If little johnny hits little Susie, and then little Johnny gets smacked for hitting little Susie, then little Johnny is not likely to hit little Susie again!” And while that may be true, there are many problems with it. 1) Little Johnny learns nothing of how to resolves the issue that made him hit little Susie in the first place. He never learns conflict resolution, emotion regulation, or behaviour management. 2) Little Johnny learns that violence is an acceptable response to violence. In his mind, the problem isn’t that I hit someone, it’s that I hit Susie. And, if someone else hits Susie, I can hit them. 3) Little Johnny learns that he deserved to be hit. That bad behaviour may not be distinguishable from bad kids. And that he is innately bad.
There was a video circulating online recently about a six-year-old boy who was bullied because of his weight, and he decided to start exercising as a result. Ignoring, for now, the fact that this kid was just six, I’m going to focus on people’s misconceptions around this issue. Many people said that this response showed strong character or would build good character. People said that he is turning something negative into something positive. People even said something to the effect of “those bullies better watch out now!” What a lot of people failed to understand was that, this action shows that the child believes what the bullies said about him. He believes that they are right! He is learning that his worth and value come from having an acceptable body. He is learning that his place in society is based on his approval by others. He is being told that his worth comes from the judgement of others and not the inherent worth that comes from him simply being him.
I played baseball in high school. I had a chat not long ago with an individual who also played a lot of baseball growing up, and we were talking about the first time we got picked off by a left-handed pitcher. For those who do not know baseball, it is harder to steal second base when there is a left-handed pitcher versus a right-handed pitcher. My coach explained to me what I had done wrong and what to look for next time. Showing confidence in me that I am capable of running the bases with some guidance. The other guy’s coach chewed him out and told him he expected better.
Some time after that, I had an experience where I dove back to first after trying to be picked-off and I had my back to the pitcher. I got up and waited on the base for the pitcher to step on the rubber before I took my leadoff, because that’s what I was taught. The pitcher wasn’t getting set, so I stayed on the bag. Finally, I heard someone say: “He’s not going to fall for it,” and the first baseman threw the ball back to the pitcher. They were trying the hidden ball trick on me, but it didn’t work. I was really proud of myself for not falling victim to that trick because I stuck with my fundamentals. I knew I was a smart baserunner. I remembered that for the rest of my life.
The person I was talking to about this (who is objectively a better ball player than me) told me a similar story about how he was on first base with a left-handed pitcher who had a tricky pick-off move, but that he never got caught because he was paying attention after what had happened to him the first time.
Each of us said we would never forget being picked off by a lefty, except that my experience was positive in that my confidence was not affected and that I was taught what I did wrong with the expectation that I could rectify it next time. His experience was negative in that he was criticized for it and was simply expected to do better next time. When next time happened, we each did well, but the difference was that I achieved success while he avoided failure.
Little Johnny is not succeeding by not hitting Susie, he is avoiding failure in the form of corporal punishment. That six-year-old kid who is now working out is not achieving success; he is also avoiding failure by way of bullying. Achieving success and avoiding failure are not the same thing and it is important that we know the difference.
Thanks for reading,
Leave a Reply