There is a lot that can be said about emotions. Heck, there is a lot that should be said about emotions and I will very likely muse about them again sometime in the future. But, for today, I want to focus on how most people typically feel about emotions and how I approach emotion work with people.
I am Emotion-Focused Therapy informed, meaning that I have training, education, and experience in EFT for both individuals and couples, but I am not yet certified in it. However, whether a therapist is trained in EFT or not, emotion work will always make it into therapy to some degree.
Almost all interpersonal issues will escalate to conflict or rupture because of emotion dysregulation or emotional immaturity. Emotion dysregulation refers to the process of emotions becoming too difficult to manage and, in turn, dictating our behaviours. Emotional immaturity refers to a lack of ability or capability to manage emotions.
Because emotions can lead to distressing, conflicting, or even harmful outcomes, most people suppress them, ignore them, or deny them. Most of us are not sufficiently taught nor trained how to manage our emotions so we treat them as “bad” when they cause us distress, conflict, or harm.
When I do emotion work with people, one of the first things I tell them is that emotions are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They can be uncomfortable. They can be powerful. But they are ultimately conveyors of information. The function of emotions is to provide us with information about ourselves. This information then helps to guide our choices, our actions, and even our relationships.
It’s important to remember that emotions inform, not dictate. There is a difference between reacting and responding to emotions. An emotional reaction is one where your emotions dictate your behaviours. There is little to no thought. This is an example of emotional immaturity. An emotional response is one where your emotions inform your intellect, allowing you to make informed decisions about your behaviours.
Let’s take anger, for example. Let’s say that something someone else did made you feel anger. Your anger is informing you that something important to you has been violated, or an important boundary has been crossed. This is helpful information to have as it tells you what is of value to you, but if you reacted to the anger without consideration, you may then attack the other person for causing you to feel angry instead of restoring what was violated. Such a behaviour may look like violating the other person’s values and boundaries while then leaving yours exposed because you didn’t restore them.
Responding to your anger in such a situation means that you are allowing your anger to inform your intellect. That may look like you telling the person what they did that angered you, telling them that you will not tolerate them doing that again, and asking for an apology. This way, you take the time to restore that which was violated, you demonstrate self-respect, and you don’t attack the other person.
Emotions exist and affect us whether we are aware of them or not. Whether we accept them or not. Whether we admit it or not. Therefore, it is necessary to acknowledge and understand your emotions, and learn how to process them, or they will dictate your behaviours.
Thanks for reading
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