No matter what issue someone presents to me in therapy, our work will almost always take us to a discussion or even assessment of self-care. Quality self-care is necessary for positive mental health and well-being, but it is not universally applicable. There is no one-size-fits-all approach with regards to practicing quality self-care, but few people will take the time to assess their own self-care needs, or will understand what quality self-care could look like for them.
Yes, there are aspects of quality self-care that are widely applicable such as attending regular appointments for your medical health, getting sufficient sleep, and eating well, but even these aspects must be applied uniquely to the individual. I’ve worked with people who required higher than average medical care. For them, attending regular medical appointments became a threat to their bodily autonomy. I’ve worked with people who have struggled with insomnia. For them, getting quality sleep is a chore and privilege when it happens. I’ve worked with people with food insecurities. For them, eating well is a luxury they often cannot afford. For these people, quality self-care looks different than it does most others.
The reality is, everyone has reasons that make the practice of quality self-care unique for them. Therefore, it is important to understand what quality self-care looks like for you. I had a person tell me that they tried self-care by doing what others had suggested. They drew a hot bath, dimmed the lights, played some tranquil music, but all they could do was sit and perseverate on all of the things that needed to be done. When I explored self-care with this person, we figured out that they had grown up with very little and were often hungry. When this person went grocery shopping for their family, they felt fulfilled and grateful whenever their fridge and pantry were full. However, because grocery shopping was a “chore,” they didn’t think it would count as self-care.
I had another individual who told me they often took the advise of their friends and spouse and went to their cabin alone for entire weekends. It never felt right. Through discussion, we learned that this person was an extravert and found great joy in being a parent. When I explained to them that their self-care should include being around other people and spending quality time with their children, they thought it was the exact opposite of what they were “supposed” to do for self-care.
Get to know yourself. Take the time to understand yourself and your unique needs. Notice what you need most. Do you need sleep because you feel tired? Do you need connection because you feel lonely? Do you need nourishment because you feel fatigued? Do you need a break because you feel overworked? Do you need fun because you feel bored? What is your body telling you? What is your mind trying to tell you? What do you enjoy? What makes you feel good?
One thing I always tell my people when discussing quality self-care is this simple rule-of-thumb that is applicable most of the time. If the effort outweighs the benefit, it is a chore. If the benefit outweighs the effort, it is self-care.
Sometimes, self-care requires effort. Sometimes, that effort can be huge. Achieving and maintaining a healthy level of fitness can be a monumental task. Scheduling time away from the obligations of work and family can be near impossible. But they are often necessary, and, if targeted correctly, can be extremely beneficial.
Your needs can also change. They may change from day to day, week to week, or year to year. They may change because of circumstance, situations beyond your control, or simply growth. What you need today may not be what you need tomorrow. This is why it is important to tune in and notice what your body, your emotions, and your thoughts are telling you.
Is it possible to avoid chores completely? No. Is it possible to live in perpetual self-care? No. That is not the goal. The goal of self-care is to practice it to a degree at which it matches (or even exceeds) your demands, your stressors, and/or your problems. A common issue I see is that, when people’s demands, stressors, and problems increase, they often take from their self-care in order to meet those increased demands, stressors, or problems. If at all possible, it is important and more beneficial for people to take from other areas of their life in order to meet the rise in demands, stressors, or problems without impacting their self-care. Or, at the least, take from their self-care temporarily until the demands, stressors, and problems decrease.
In summary, here are the four main points I want to highlight about self-care:
1. It is unique to each individual and should be individually assessed for quality application.
2. Pay attention to your feelings, emotions, thoughts, and behaviours to understand what you need for self-care.
3. If the effort outweighs the benefit, it is a chore. If the benefit outweighs the effort, it is self-care.
4. Self-care needs change.
Thanks for reading,
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